Tuesday, February 23, 2010

The 9,007th Day

How do I say this? I am...um, er...single again. Dissolution, divorce, bifurcation...the legal terms are too harsh and too real, but the word "single" has an innocence about it. Virgins are single. Young people are single. Nuns are single.

This afternoon I found out that I have been single since February 16, 2010, one week ago today. Thank god the judge didn't stamp the document two days earlier. Had she, I would have had to live with a permanent, mental link to what would have been my second most brutal Valentine's Day ever. As much as I would LOVE to tell you about the first-most brutal Valentine's Day, I'm not going there. Let's just say February is historically a rough month for me.

What surprised me is that I cried when I read the email, but I'm kind of glad I did. I would hate to be the kind of person who would NOT cry at the end of a marriage that lasted 9006 days. Another thing that surprised me is how quickly I snapped out of it. You have to understand, though, this whole divorce process has been about as exciting as watching paint dry--especially if you're talking about the kind of paint that takes four years to dry.

Only the end-end-end came suddenly, in part because it left the building without saying goodbye-- much like the marriage.

Here's a funny story--my first divorce paper has a typographical error, Dave and I were divorced "...in The Untied States of America." It was a small but unfortunate mistake--much like the marriage.

Now we move on. But not now. And not we. A move, maybe. On for sure.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Product Idea Could Sell Millions!

What a great idea! I think this is the big one that will make us all millions!

It's a plastic lined paper bag that you wear around your neck when you are reading the Singles Wanted ads on Craigs List.

After reading a dozen or more posts from horny, hard up, jobless, narcissists you are bound to hurl, but thanks to this bag you won't mess up your robe.

When people call the 800 number to order the "Gag Bagger" we'll offer them today's special--the "Wrist Razor Guard". It prevents you from accidentally on purpose slitting your wrists when you realize the Men Seeking Women who post things like "I'm jobless, no car, but 420 friendly" aren't remotely interested in you because you are not <27. I'm not sure if that's age, pounds or IQ, the point of course being this tang-seeker is just not remotely interested in you!

But wait, there's more! Act by midnight tonight and we'll throw in our special "Sight Savers" absolutely free. Sight Savers have a special lens that prevents you from seeing photos of tatooed genitalia, headless six packs, beard pride, and more.

Our R&D department is working on a Spelling Translator that turns ordinary MSW speak into English. Turn this: "u don't need a creditcard or jump through hoops just reply I no how 2treat a gurl rit" into this: "I will need the cash up front if you want me to do you."

You think I'm joking. Check out Craigslist PostingID: 1601940799.

I am joking about the products, but seriously, if I put this blog entry as an ad on Craigs List, I will get orders.

Dare me.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Valentater's Day

I've been joking with certain friends, that I'm going to slit my wrists today, Valentine's Day, because I am haplessly, hopelessly out of love. Let me comfort you, or possibly win (or lose) a bet for you, I am not slitting anything today. To be on the safe side, I might not even floss, lest I slip and slit my gums.

The fact is, my suicidal quips are so far removed from any actual intention of offing myself I think we can safely say, "Joking about suicide is not funny."

What else isn't funny is this: I'm not in love, so don't forget it. It's just a silly phase I'm going through. And just because I call you up, or launch a chat, or send an ecard, don't get me wrong, don't think you've got it made. I'm not in love. No, no. I'd like to see you...but then again...that doesn't mean you mean that much to me. So if I call you, don't make a fuss. Don't tell your friends about the two of us. I'm not in love. No, no.

If you ARE in love, even if it's the pretend kind (and for some of you I can see it is) bask in it, because on this side--let's call it the Not in Love side--even your transparent pretense of being in love is better than this hollow, sad, lonely, pathetic, worthless, miserable, did I say hollow?...hollow side.

You, the truly in love, genuine, heartfelt, soulmate lover types out there, can suck it, because I'm totally jealous of you. Are you happy with yourselves? Oh that's right, you are happy. Love will do that to you. It also makes you stupid. It also makes unattractive people attractive. It makes dumb jokes funny. It makes bad food yummy. It makes rain romantic. It makes ugly jewelry special. It makes silk, conversation heart covered boxers not ridiculous. It turns French Toast into French cuisine. It compels men to put the seat down. It compels women to...oh never mind.

I'd almost rather hate someone than feel this hollow. May I hate you? Will you be my Valentate?