Thursday, August 23, 2012

You Heard it Here First (I told you so)

Did I not predict saltines would be the next big thing? (I did.)

And would you like evidence this is true? (Yes, you would.)
I give you…Round Saltines!

Round Saltines

What's next on the saltine market? Who knows. They have mini's so that's a good start. Perhaps maxi's. All I know is I can't wait for a cupcake boutique to close and an artisanal saltinery to open.

Attention Tillamook Creamery, round cheese please.

I would also like to throw kudos to the folks in the Nabisco advertising department for their wonderful new Triscuit campaign.

They have a very funny set of commercials on tv right now--which I am able/slash/forced to view because the condo I am staying in has no TiVo. The commercials portray Triscuit lovers having a "Toppers Tantrum" for having been mislead to believe that the popular cracker's serving suggestion on the front of the box must include a topping, only to discover the hidden truth: Triscuit crackers are delicious untapped! This betrayal sends them into humorous hysterics. 

Nabisco even has a Facebook page that serves as a Topper's Complaint Department.

Could it be Americans will give up crack, and bars, and go to cracker bars? The answer is: not if Cracker Barrel's attorneys have anything to say about it. But then again, there are no Cracker Barrel Old Country Stores in Washington, Oregon or California, so eff'm.

Did you notice, in the photo above, the saltine is being dipped into a red sauce which we presume to be a very thick tomato soup--because who dips crackers in ketchup or marinara. They chose tomato soup because it's familiar, but it's also red and almost all food containers are red and/or yellow. Those colors, as McDonald's knows, are deemed "most appetizing." The next time you buy food take a look. PS Green means healthy. Purple means special. Brown means chocolate, coffee or cola. Blue is reserved for non-fat milk, or as some call it blue milk.

Could Premium have substituted a bowl of chicken soup? Sure. It's yellow. We eat chicken soup with saltines…but we also associate chicken soup with saltiness. The name, saltine, already bears a brutal burden when it comes to the issue of salt. Even Saltines with Unsalted Tops have the word salt sprinkled all over them. Furthermore, by pointing out the tops are unsalted makes it apparent the cracker itself is not unsalted. Because then it would be matzo. (Yiddish for cardboard.)

Remember this: Salt is the stuff that makes food taste terrible when there's none in it.

As Andy Rooney might ask, were he not dead, why do you suppose the tomato soup can doesn't have a saltine pictured on it? Or a grilled cheese sandwich?

Oh wait, here's a better idea:


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